uncensorted

Well there were no bulletins that caught my true interest today.. One that came pretty close, but still not enough to go through the effort. I sit here tonight after reading my friend bruce's blog and pondering where I am and what I am doing.

I know that I have been really vague on here about what is going on in my life, especially since I use to be the one who had to keep everyone updated on what is going on. I guess that is because right now I am in a place that even myself doesn't know what to think. In a few short days, Saturday, I will be moving AGAIN. This time to the smack dab middle of Texas to a little town called Kendalia. I am going to be part of the WRR (Wildlife Rescue and Rehabilitation) as an intern. Why you may ask??? Haha.. to tell you the truth I don't know. I was looking all over for internships and jobs to get myself into the animal field after the Hawaii internship ended. I even increased my search area to include Texas (never really had much interest in going there). A good friend of mine told me that it would be a good idea, "You will like it down there." Tell you the truth, I don't know how much I really believe him.

But again, I have been left with more questions than answers it seems; the time I was given to get down there has lead me into a rat race. Questions arise from others asking if I am excited. I have to tell them not really. I am not this spontaneous of a person at least when it comes to planning out my life. I sit here and in a way I just want to cry because I feel so disorganized.. with my packing... saying goodbyes... becoming attached to people again that I will walk away from again (like the 3rd time I have peaced out on this place)... I have to wonder is this time for good??? What is really leading me to this place I am going.. fate, God, my heart, my head, what????

In his blog my friend Bruce was contemplating things from last year to this with his passing Birthday yesterday.. making me think of the things I swore I would accomplish last year at my birthday to this year, which is just a few days away.. yet I look around, I sit in the same house, have the same job (again for a few more days), and emotionally, relationshipwise, self-esteem/confidence all feel so much weaker. This year seemed to be more a year of stepping back instead of forward. Yes, I know that I had many accomplishments, yet somethings that I hoped to be resolved haven't been. Some strong realizations have been made, but I don't know if I can believe them or trust in my decisions anymore.. One mistake (or heartbreaking thing) is I seem to always find attraction/love the people who don't share it in the same way. I can generally deal with this easily, but it gets harder and harder.. *laughs to self* you think it would easier being single, but sometimes it really isn't. I guess if I had a forward year maybe I would have the self-whatever I needed to be able to handle those run-ins.

I guess all I can do now is be positive that this will be a good year. Good things will happen. I will get to know myself better and what I want to do with myself when I am in Texas. If it is something that I want to persue there or somewhere else, than it will be good. If it isn't, then again I have at least not spent to much time and have gained more experience once again.
So, as I go forth I wish the best of luck, life, God speed, and fortune to you all. My thoughts and prayers are for all you. Please keep me close to your hearts and in your thoughts as well.
~xoxoxoxo~

tell me how you truely feel

I have created a johari block.. a simple task of picking 5 or 6 words that you feel describe me, that right folks, go a head a judge me (you already know I did so pretty harshly b/c...that's just me)! Click here for the most excitement on myspace and your words count. Work every angle, think things over, let me know what you see. Hey you will have loads of fun and can even create your own when you are done. If you find a word that describes me better and you have already choosen 6; don't fret you can simply click a word again to unchose it. Okay wrapping this up, I finally got my 4 boxes in the mail from when I moved back from Hawaii, so I best go unpack those and see set up all my missing treasures once again.
Shoots

face to face with happiness

It is something that I have been pondering, and have been very distrot about where I was going. Now this story kind of has an odd beginning because my "happiness" was realized as I was taking my garbage out tonight. I know, I know, sounds a bit strange, but I looked up at the stars. I felt a sense of relief because I was/am where I am suppose to be right now. When I first arrived in Hawai'i I had a difficult time. All I wanted to do for the first few days/weeks was to get my bearings by the stars. It was harder than I thought it would be. But once I had located things I felt better, yet I still felt a bit unsettled. Being home less than a week and to look up and know exactly where things are I feel happiness. I know that there are many paths ahead of me and most will take me away from here again, but for this moment there is a relief/happiness that has washed over me. The world is out there and I feel that I am now ready to attack it.

heartbreake

It is strange the different level of heartbreak you can go through. As well as the least expected source of heartbreak. By this I mean who it can actually hurt to miss the most. This only comes to me as I am thinking about people I am missing, but who I have returned too that I have been away from for quite awhile, people that I left in Hawaii, and also people who haven't been in my life for year (s). The emotions that the human soul evokes at points of weakness can be frightening. And again, it could be the the person that you thought would be the easiest to walk away from, and yet, there are others when you say goodbye it is as if the tone is "hey, I'll see you tomorrow". It is going to be a readjustment period and of course definate reasons to return places, but the fear that they will slip far enough away that it will no longer bother me that it has been x-number of months since we have spoken or even sent just a quick note over the internet. The world has made it so easy to keep in touch, yet we make it so hard to keep communication going. Just another notch in the heartbreak wall that we raise.

Sorry for the deep thought, but it is/was something that I am especially like I was going through.

Keep it real and keep in touch.

Well I made it

As surreal as it felt I am back in Seattle. Picked up my luggage and made the journey home to North Bend. Just to be greeted by massive amounts of mail, and dishes. I thought about it this morning I should have taken before pictures I started to clean and after I even just picked up a bit. Took me 2 hours to sort through mail, note: it wasn't even all my mail. I then proceeded to start on dishes, 90% of the dishes in the house were dirty, but unfortunately the power when out. How great is it to return to cold weather and RAIN. What was I thinking. I can't complain about the house too much my bro hasn't been able to take care of it like he could b/c he has been sick. So I have unpacked, taken care of mail, and started on dishes. Just wanted to let ya'll know that I am home safely. I already miss Hawaii though.

There is no Steve like Skooba Steve

Current mood: thoughtful


So logging onto the mind control unit of myspace, I noticed someone had a blog named Scuba Steeeve. I would say I got a bit mad and sad all at the same time, because, as everyone from the 808 knows there is only one Scuba Steve. He is a rock star of the reef.

I can only say so much about this guy, (I wish I could say more and infact did, but of course my internet crashed and erased all the good stuff I had on here. So here I am trying to sum it up as much as I can. Steve "hey that is my new pic for my myspace", "motorboatin' son of a bitch", who doesn't even have a myspace. States he will get one once he knows how to spell computer. Oh Steve at least we will always have Dave & Buster's.

again click on pics for a larger photo

How much Bullsh@* can I person deal with

how much Bullsh@* can I person deal with
Current mood: angry


Right now I feel like I want to die. I don't care by what means I just want it all be over with. I know this comes across as sounding petty but I really F***ing hate my roommate right now. By a supposedly "miscommunication" no one even asked me about going camping tonight having fun on the beach. No instead they take off with out me once again. This hasn't been the first time since I wasn't hired by the park. I have been ostracized for well over a week now. I pretty much am a hobbit in my little hole in the wall room that I have (and I do mean little). Supposedly it isn't just me that is having a rough time. Hello, I am the one who is 26 just gave up 6 months of my life, to be rejected by the place that I would love to work, have everyone at the park that I hung out with leave (because the internship is over) or completely forget about me b/c I am not worthy anymore, not even receive a thank you of some kind for all the effort put in, being 26 and still not anywhere close to where I should be career wise, and be sitting all alone in this house b/c of "miscommunication". HAHA

I know this is coming out all bitchy and probably very in concise, but right now I have a bunch of pent up anger, rage, and sorrow that are busting the seams of me right now.

So, I sit here and just having the feeling of wanting to come home more than ever. I keep feeling like it isn't worth it for me to stay here get a small time job and try to reapply at the park in a couple of months. If I did reapply I could do it from Seattle. It isn't like I need to be here to send in a resume. It would mean me finding a new place to live, but whatever. WHY DOES LIFE SUCK SO MUCH??

Another phenomenal day in Hawaii

I had another outrageous day in Hawaii. It started with getting up well before the sun did, I felt like I was back in Seattle getting ready to go to work b/c of how early it was (5:30 am). After not being able to sleep well the night before, I just switched rooms, have a new bed, and have been lounging around for a few days reading in bed; it finally caught up with me. But back to the main point of this blog. So on the road at 6 am with one of my roomies (his last day at the house) we headed out to meet with another ex-intern. We pick her up in Pearl City and head out for Wai'anae (it is pretty much as far away as you can get from Hawai'i Kai and through rush hour traffic even). Shortly after 7:30 (oops we were suppose to be there at 7:30) we arrive at the boat dock with gear in hand to go diving!!! Again all I can say is it was amazing. Everything was picture perfect. The weather, outstanding, the sights great, snacks and beverages superb! The first dive was a 90 ft sunken Mine Layer called the Mahi. It was sunk in 1982 to be an artificial reef. I can say that it has succeeded. We saw so much coral. Also so an some beautiful fish, Eagle rays just hovering in the current, some Nudibranchs (I was soo excited on the inside), Urchins, and a well hidden frogfish. The visibility was excellent (compared to my good old puget sound). After surfacing we headed toward the second sight on the boat. Along the way we got a special treat by seeing Humpback whales spouting, fluke slapping, and we even got the amazing (sorry for the overuse of that word) privilege of getting to see one of the large beast breaching. We could see the complete chest and the entire pectoral fin clear the water before he/she came crashing down. WOW!!! The second dive to me seemed unneeded after such great things already, but life just got better at Papio Place. We could actually here the whales between breaths, again an huge range of fish. Puffers, triggerfish, surgeons, convict fish, trumpet fish, more nudies, urchins, and a grand palette of coral. Some got lucky enough to see a taco (octopus) unfortunately I missed that. I am so excited and ready for my next expedition (I can't believe I waited this long to go diving here, I hope to set up another trip shortly after I get a job and am making some money).

WHAT A TRIP

Okay so this will be hard for a lot of you to believe, and it is understandable. Yesterday I did something that I have wanted to do for a long time; I jumped out of a perfectly good plane. That is right folks, I went skydiving. It was an awesome rush. My tandem guide said it was the best thing you can do with clothes on, I think I agree. It was literally like I was jumping into an aerial view photo of O'ahu's north shore. There is no concept of how far you exactly are from the ground, 14,000 ft was jump point, and we free fell for a minute. How exhilarating was that. I will let you know it wasn't all fun and games, I have bruising in places that aren't so fun (much like when I slipped and fell on the gate at work)and my contacts blew out of my eyes. BUT it was all worth it and I suggest you too try it.

I will be updating my photos on yahoo sometime today and tomorrow, b/c I have over 90 photos to add from the last few days at the park and the last few days with the new great friends that I have made. I just want to let all of them know that they have made a huge impact in my life and I will never forget them!! *sniffle, sniffle*

Check out some photos from my landing, click on for a larger view!!


Me upon landing approach With Range


Jess and me after our death defying event

The friendship quiz that is scary

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Marie is your soulmate.

You truly love Gloria.

You consider Maceo your true friend.

You know that Eric is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Casey for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Devon is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Ryan is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Katey is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Katey changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Louis is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Louis has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?