Offload

Hold onto your hats, I am going to do something that I very rarely do – people that are close to me don’t even see me do. That is throw some emotions out there.

I am a very guarded person with all of my feelings, be those good or bad, because well, I think it had to be something growing up, or maybe just the way teenagers are mean, so I learned to just keep things to myself. That in it self can be quite self-destructive, and right now, I can feel the effects. I can’t exactly say what the effects are; I just know that I am to a point that I feel completely and utterly defeated. I just know something has to be changed and I have to do it fast. But how do you fix what you don’t know to be broken? I mean, I know some of the things that are broken, and can work on them, and just maybe that will cause a change reaction that will do an automatic fix on more of the damage that has been done. I know there is change needed, and getting there is tough.

I feel like I have been talking in code here, and I am sorry to anyone who has actually read this far (thanks for that by the way). But, it is all code to me too, a code I have been trying to break for most of the summer. There are a few thinks that I just know that I can’t change right now, and I fear they are one of those fixes that I need. I am getting itchy to travel, but something about working in the industry in which I am in, doesn’t give me much of a money cushion.

Even if I did have the funds, I really don’t know where I would go. I have some thoughts in mind, but they just lead me back to places that have some emotional tie to them (a lot of them being negative). And I think that would just continue the emotional downward spiral. I need new, something refreshing, and right now I would even be willing to do all that exploring on my own. I can only guess that in March I will be going to Chicago for work, but that isn’t set in stone yet if it will be me who would be going to the symposium or not. And there has been talk of going to up to Vancouver for some work training too, but again I don’t know when that would be, if it would even be happening this year or not. Both of trips would be helpful for me, because it would be someplace new for me.

I just don’t know. I know there are a lot of head games I have been playing with myself, consciously and subconsciously. I wake up in the morning after having some strange dream that draws up some thing from the past that just puts me in a funk and there I stay for a good part of the day. Of course, I front that everything is okay and don’t feel that I have a close relationship with anyone right now that I can offload on them, if I do; I know they are going through some tough shit and don’t feel that it would be fair of me to offload on them. So I do what I have always done, put my feelings aside and try to help them through their struggle. Someday, maybe I will learn to just say, no, I need to talk about me for a minute, but that I don’t see happening anytime soon. Okay so maybe that is what this whole blog was about, but it this was like trying to use cubic zirconium to scratch glass (it just won’t work).