Have you ever wished so badly for something to end but it just won’t? It isn’t that it is anything harmful, but just plain annoying like Chinese water torture. Well, I am going through this right now. And I have been trying everything to drown out the annoyance but it is prevailing. Don’t worry I won’t be talking in riddles much longer, I am sure I have already lost some of whole 3 readers at this point.
I am still be haunted by my dreams; that is all this is about. It isn’t the same dream over and over, but new ones. They range from work, to money, relationships, friendships, my physical self, and my emotional self. Seriously, my last three weeks have been torturous to sleep. All the dreams, at this point I want to classify them as nightmares, seem to focus on all of the insecurities I have. I just don’t understand it. I have been working very hard on emotionally strengthening myself lately and also keeping a positive energy. These experiences have made it so I don’t sleep.
Besides being lack of sleep because of not wanting to go to sleep and when I do it is a restless sleep and being overworked. I have actually made myself physically sick this week. It oh so rare for me to get sick, and it is even rarer for me to leave work early because of being sick. I knew my body was starting to tell me I needed to slow down. This “weekend” was going to be my first full weekend in roughly 2 months time and now I am sick!
I’m just plan sick and just want this misery to end. I just don’t know what else to try. I have tried writing it out to get it out but it didn’t help. I have discussed it with friends, but that too hasn’t helped me get where I mentally and emotionally need to be. I am open to any suggestions at this point.
PS the reason I know they everything I have done hasn’t worked is because I had another vivid dream last night.
January 31, 2008
January 16, 2008
The dream that haunts me
Okay so I am still perplexed by a dream I had on Monday morning. It seems kind of weird to share this but I just can’t make heads or tails of this, because it has sent my mind into a frenzy the past few days and really, REALLY would like it to stop. Maybe if I write it out, the mind-numbing fog will dissipate.
So this was shortly before I was to waking up that I had this dream. I had a dream that my ex had come to visit me, we were hanging out, we had fallen right back into the great friendship that we shared. There was a strange discussion about the holidays came up and talking about how he would have to divide them between three places, his family, my family (without me) (who lived in Seattle?), and me (on San Juan Island). I couldn’t tell you what the outcome was of this discussion, but my head it all felt weird at that time. We hugged and kissed, and I realized how much I missed his kisses (again very strange in the dream and in my mind now). We were driving around town to get his car in line to get on the ferry. But the town we were driving in wasn’t Friday Harbor it was Sturgis SD, and it was basically us driving on east on Sherman St. between the Catholic and Lutheran Churches and turned right to head south on Junction.??? Of course it was around 2 pm and the next ferry wasn’t until 4. The ferry schedule had a ferry leaving at 10 am and then not another until 4 pm. He was very angry with me that I was trying to hold him here, while he need to visit his mother, and I kept trying to explain that I didn’t make ferry schedule and it wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t leave right then and there.
At this point my alarm went off waking me from my slumber and into my fog. I have been in my head thinking about all my past relationships, the best kisser, the worst…yuck, and how each one has changed my life in some degree. Plus who I miss the most, which is what is driving me the battiest. I feel like booking a plane ticket it and saying fuck it, I have to do this, I need a vacation. But the sensible side of me is telling me, stop it. You can’t fix it, because you didn’t break it, don’t push. Plus you have 2 weeks worth of site interviews you need to get ready for, a work party to organize, animals to take care of, and just things to do here.
If you have stuck through this far, I am amazed. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully now I can get my mind back on a regular schedule.
So this was shortly before I was to waking up that I had this dream. I had a dream that my ex had come to visit me, we were hanging out, we had fallen right back into the great friendship that we shared. There was a strange discussion about the holidays came up and talking about how he would have to divide them between three places, his family, my family (without me) (who lived in Seattle?), and me (on San Juan Island). I couldn’t tell you what the outcome was of this discussion, but my head it all felt weird at that time. We hugged and kissed, and I realized how much I missed his kisses (again very strange in the dream and in my mind now). We were driving around town to get his car in line to get on the ferry. But the town we were driving in wasn’t Friday Harbor it was Sturgis SD, and it was basically us driving on east on Sherman St. between the Catholic and Lutheran Churches and turned right to head south on Junction.??? Of course it was around 2 pm and the next ferry wasn’t until 4. The ferry schedule had a ferry leaving at 10 am and then not another until 4 pm. He was very angry with me that I was trying to hold him here, while he need to visit his mother, and I kept trying to explain that I didn’t make ferry schedule and it wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t leave right then and there.
At this point my alarm went off waking me from my slumber and into my fog. I have been in my head thinking about all my past relationships, the best kisser, the worst…yuck, and how each one has changed my life in some degree. Plus who I miss the most, which is what is driving me the battiest. I feel like booking a plane ticket it and saying fuck it, I have to do this, I need a vacation. But the sensible side of me is telling me, stop it. You can’t fix it, because you didn’t break it, don’t push. Plus you have 2 weeks worth of site interviews you need to get ready for, a work party to organize, animals to take care of, and just things to do here.
If you have stuck through this far, I am amazed. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully now I can get my mind back on a regular schedule.
Homework... book reports
Okay, so a friend told me I should do a “book report” for all the books I have read recently. I thought he was joking, but got the reply, “I was being for real.” So here goes,
The Book of the Dead- by Patricia Cornwell
This is the latest in the Kay Scarpetta series. It follows suit along with series and style quite well. Granted I missed reading the prequel to this one, Predator, but it was pretty easy to jump back into what was going on. The story is independent of the series, so someone could pick up this book and only be minor confusion by the overall storyline. I have actually read the majority of this series out of order, without any difficulty. I do have to say that the case in this book wasn’t as captivating as some of the others in the series, but it was an easy read that did keep the book in my hands.
The Golden Compass- by Philip Pullman
I can’t say how it compares to the movie since I read it after the movie had left my little sleepy town, which isn’t hard it only takes 2 weeks before something is gone. As the book goes, this book was very intriguing to me. Though there were some inconsistencies in the book. I don’t know how the editors missed it, or if it was intentional, but the number of compasses mentioned varied. If it was intentional, what was the meaning behind it? To show that they really didn’t know how many there were or to show just how dishonest one of the characters is? Very baffling though, the book did a great job to pull me into this fictional universe, to the characters, the want of my own snow leopard, or my own dæmon, and to play with a big polar bear.
The Subtle Knife- by Philip Pullman
The second in his dark material series, I actually like this book much more; finding myself reading hours on end when I should have been sleeping for work. There were some formatting differences, but I don’t think it could have been avoided because you were actually dealing with multiple characters in multiple locations. That formatting generally annoys me because I have to try and figure out which characters the new chapter is following, but Pullman made the transitions quite seamless and easy to jump back into the “forks” in the roads.
The Amber Spyglass- by Philip Pullman
The conclusion of the dark material series; I am about half way through this. The twists in this novel can be baffling and some of the literary imagery can be difficult, but that may just be me. And again there are some inconsistencies, which are “answered” the more you read, but sometimes the way they are answered seems to be after thoughts and don’t make any sense. I now it is sci-fi, sometimes it isn’t suppose to make sense to the real world, but they don’t even seem to make sense to these fictional worlds. And once again, the format had be modified in this book. It continues with the multiple character jumping, only now there are even more characters to keep track of in the jumps. Besides that there is an italicized paragraph at the beginning of roughly the first ten chapters. This threw me for a loop. It is basically another story within the story; this formatting is something I don’t care for. I wouldn’t mind if it was a narrative before the novel even began, but to break it up, mid sentence sometimes, yuck.
Sidebar, this makes me have to ask Richelle Mead, do you have formatting changes in your series, Georgette Kincaid series, Succubus (fill in Blues, on Top, Dreams) and your Vampire Academy series? I know, if I was a better friend I would have already gone out and purchased Succubus on Top instead of waiting for my free copies and could answer this question for myself.
Anyway, back on track, the metaphorical, controversial journey that TAS takes you through is much like Matrix Revolutions to me with the whole omnipotent being and the want/need to destroy it to ensure life continues story line. I am always uneasy with this topic; it doesn’t have to do with religion or someone playing on common belief, but more that it just another way that it is being rehashed. So again, I am only about halfway through and I am enjoying it for the most part. Right now out of this series The Subtle Knife has been my favorite. Unless, the second half changes drastically; I am sure this is how it is going to stay.
The Book of the Dead- by Patricia Cornwell
This is the latest in the Kay Scarpetta series. It follows suit along with series and style quite well. Granted I missed reading the prequel to this one, Predator, but it was pretty easy to jump back into what was going on. The story is independent of the series, so someone could pick up this book and only be minor confusion by the overall storyline. I have actually read the majority of this series out of order, without any difficulty. I do have to say that the case in this book wasn’t as captivating as some of the others in the series, but it was an easy read that did keep the book in my hands.
The Golden Compass- by Philip Pullman
I can’t say how it compares to the movie since I read it after the movie had left my little sleepy town, which isn’t hard it only takes 2 weeks before something is gone. As the book goes, this book was very intriguing to me. Though there were some inconsistencies in the book. I don’t know how the editors missed it, or if it was intentional, but the number of compasses mentioned varied. If it was intentional, what was the meaning behind it? To show that they really didn’t know how many there were or to show just how dishonest one of the characters is? Very baffling though, the book did a great job to pull me into this fictional universe, to the characters, the want of my own snow leopard, or my own dæmon, and to play with a big polar bear.
The Subtle Knife- by Philip Pullman
The second in his dark material series, I actually like this book much more; finding myself reading hours on end when I should have been sleeping for work. There were some formatting differences, but I don’t think it could have been avoided because you were actually dealing with multiple characters in multiple locations. That formatting generally annoys me because I have to try and figure out which characters the new chapter is following, but Pullman made the transitions quite seamless and easy to jump back into the “forks” in the roads.
The Amber Spyglass- by Philip Pullman
The conclusion of the dark material series; I am about half way through this. The twists in this novel can be baffling and some of the literary imagery can be difficult, but that may just be me. And again there are some inconsistencies, which are “answered” the more you read, but sometimes the way they are answered seems to be after thoughts and don’t make any sense. I now it is sci-fi, sometimes it isn’t suppose to make sense to the real world, but they don’t even seem to make sense to these fictional worlds. And once again, the format had be modified in this book. It continues with the multiple character jumping, only now there are even more characters to keep track of in the jumps. Besides that there is an italicized paragraph at the beginning of roughly the first ten chapters. This threw me for a loop. It is basically another story within the story; this formatting is something I don’t care for. I wouldn’t mind if it was a narrative before the novel even began, but to break it up, mid sentence sometimes, yuck.
Sidebar, this makes me have to ask Richelle Mead, do you have formatting changes in your series, Georgette Kincaid series, Succubus (fill in Blues, on Top, Dreams) and your Vampire Academy series? I know, if I was a better friend I would have already gone out and purchased Succubus on Top instead of waiting for my free copies and could answer this question for myself.
Anyway, back on track, the metaphorical, controversial journey that TAS takes you through is much like Matrix Revolutions to me with the whole omnipotent being and the want/need to destroy it to ensure life continues story line. I am always uneasy with this topic; it doesn’t have to do with religion or someone playing on common belief, but more that it just another way that it is being rehashed. So again, I am only about halfway through and I am enjoying it for the most part. Right now out of this series The Subtle Knife has been my favorite. Unless, the second half changes drastically; I am sure this is how it is going to stay.
January 2, 2008
Out with the old, In with the new
Just be positive, just be positive (sung in the tune of “Just keep swimming” from Little Nemo) is something that I have had to keep in my head today. So, I know I haven’t kept up on my blogging lately. Partially due to me needing to reinstall all programs on my computer b/c of a virus/spybot that downloaded from SOMEONE’S webpage at the end of October made it so I couldn’t even see wireless connects. Once that got fixed, the wireless connection I used from home has disappeared L . No more free surfing from home for me. So, my internet time has had to come from work or parking down by the Wi-Fi’s on cold days, burr... But soon I will have net at home again, not pirated and locked up so it can’t be pirated. Anyway I am getting off the subject of my blog topic. My post is going to basically be the run down of New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Be ready to have the pants bored off of you.
So out with the old, New Year’s Eve:
Fairly typical work day, except it was freezing!!! I fed my 4 birds outside, my one bird, “Chicken”, and the euro rabbit inside. Took care of my mice, did dishes, washed laundry, swept and mopped. Like I said a typical day for the most part besides an alarm going off in the pool house where everything is suppose to be off so gets me why. Because it was so cold I opted not to work on any outside projects, can you blame me! So I put the anesthesia machine away from Saturdays procedure with the Merlin (see hollowhappenings.blogspot.com for the detailed blog on that. In the afternoon I sat down and spent 4 hours on intern packets and working on organizing for the 2008 season that is right around the corner. I decided to knock off a little early from work (that being around 4:15).
So on my drive home I saw a bald eagle sitting in a field about 100 yds from the road, basically over 4 fences and below a pond. I slowed to watch him and thought I should stop he may not be okay. But then thought 4 fences, private property, he isn’t by the road, he should be okay. Got home, showered and started to work on dinner. Then my coworker calls me as soon as I added the pasta to the boiling water. The sheriff had called her b/c someone called Wolf Hollow, couldn’t figure out how to call the pager, call 911 and they in turn called Shona. She told me that there was a bald eagle off of San Juan Valley road and the Sheriff were there waiting for someone from Wolf Hollow. Great, Happy Frickin New year to me! I guess I should have just stopped. I turned off my food and rushed out the door before we lost what little bit of light still available. I met the officer, Scott, and made my way down the steep ditch towards the bird. He just watched me and started to go into his threat display (raising both wings, one higher than the other and making open mouth hissing sounds). I got behind him with my bear blanket to see if he would flee if I gave him the chance. He just hopped along the ground holding his right wing funny, strange since the caller said he was holding his left wing funny. At this point I know I need my equipment. I head out to the Hollow; get an XL carrier, gloves, sheets, and a net. I head back and now Officer Bill is there as well. They look at me and ask where the cavalry was, I said I’m it. Thank goodness the capture went easy and the unload at the Hollow went well too.
Returned home around 6 ish to overly cooked pasta, gave into eat it anyway since I wasn’t going to make anything else. Relaxed at home for a bit and then got ready to go out to hang with some of my friends. Of course I arrived downtown before they did. So, I felt kinda foolish standing in the bar by myself. Well they show up, now I am hangin out with a few beautiful ladies and thought “God, what did I get myself into tonight.” Well the night went pretty well, loads of laughs, dancing, singing... al the typical good night out things (of course minus the mass quantity of drinks b/c of being on call). At midnight I partook in the midnight champagne… bad idea. I headed home shortly after midnight since I had to work in the morning. I was in bed reading by 12:30 and there was an onset of a headache. Then I remember, champagne and my head do not get along, up I go to get Advil to started taking care of it. My head hurt so bad that my eyes were watering and I couldn’t fall asleep. This morning my head was still hurting this morning…
…In with the new, New Year’s Day:
Head ache, check. More Advil, Check.
Drove to work and started a day that I though would be a little out of the ordinary b/c of knowing we would be doing an eagle exam sometime soon. I did my morning check on my inside animals and went to feed unlock the back door and hear water spraying everywhere, but where was it. I looked out past the seal pools and saw the reserve water tanks with a pipe spurting water. I couldn’t remember where the shut off was located. Luckily Shona walked in the door and knew. I donned on a long rain slicker, dug in the pipe, under about an inch of sludge, under where the water was spurting. I turned the handle, no luck. I walked away, pants soaked from the knees down. Got to the door and thought, wait... lefty loosey, righty tighty… shit I turned it the wrong way. Shona laughed at me and followed me out to relish in my stupidity. Turning it the right direction, past the original location the water fountain stopped. Okay, crisis one diverted. Went inside and wiped my pants down with a towel to remove the excess water from them. Ugh, great now I am soaked.
Finished morning feeds and onto the eagle exam. He was very docile during capture again and didn’t struggle much during exam. He wasn’t too thrilled about me stretching out his left wing though. After the exam I couldn’t seriously find anything wrong with him. I was baffled, off course we had to wait for him to poop to know for sure. Fed him a few pieces of venison. News flash, even if you wearing a glove an eagle beak clamping down on your thumb nail still doesn’t feel good. Set him up in the indoor mew and he just sat there and watched us. No effort to move to a perch nothing. Weird!!! Well later he pooped!! Sad, that got me happy, /sigh, but the color closely resembled that of the mint/avocado green appliances of the 50’s. Not good, means he possibly, I stress possibly, ingested a poison, most likely second hand.
Rest of the day was spent figuring out what things I need to change over with the New Year. New animal Master log for 08 sequence number... gotta make. Updating database, okay. Listing out 2007 animal holdovers, okay. Sorting through 2007 animal records, ½ done. Next, working on USF&W (US Fish and Wildlife) yearly report and WAF&W (WA Fish and Wildlife) report, WA check, ready for the mail... aww US about half way done. I knew, but didn’t quite think about all the yearly changes that I would have to do. I still have to pull all the info together for the year end rehab reporting. Besides all the daily activities, projects, organizing for trips, and calling references for perspective coworker and start making calls about on-site visits. Argh... it never seems to end. All this while Shona is on vacation for the next 2 ½ weeks leaving me being on call 6 out of 7 days. Oh what fun we will have!
Seriously I couldn’t make this stuff up! Now I know that I bored the crap out of you. Wake up and go about your normal lives now.
So out with the old, New Year’s Eve:
Fairly typical work day, except it was freezing!!! I fed my 4 birds outside, my one bird, “Chicken”, and the euro rabbit inside. Took care of my mice, did dishes, washed laundry, swept and mopped. Like I said a typical day for the most part besides an alarm going off in the pool house where everything is suppose to be off so gets me why. Because it was so cold I opted not to work on any outside projects, can you blame me! So I put the anesthesia machine away from Saturdays procedure with the Merlin (see hollowhappenings.blogspot.com for the detailed blog on that. In the afternoon I sat down and spent 4 hours on intern packets and working on organizing for the 2008 season that is right around the corner. I decided to knock off a little early from work (that being around 4:15).
So on my drive home I saw a bald eagle sitting in a field about 100 yds from the road, basically over 4 fences and below a pond. I slowed to watch him and thought I should stop he may not be okay. But then thought 4 fences, private property, he isn’t by the road, he should be okay. Got home, showered and started to work on dinner. Then my coworker calls me as soon as I added the pasta to the boiling water. The sheriff had called her b/c someone called Wolf Hollow, couldn’t figure out how to call the pager, call 911 and they in turn called Shona. She told me that there was a bald eagle off of San Juan Valley road and the Sheriff were there waiting for someone from Wolf Hollow. Great, Happy Frickin New year to me! I guess I should have just stopped. I turned off my food and rushed out the door before we lost what little bit of light still available. I met the officer, Scott, and made my way down the steep ditch towards the bird. He just watched me and started to go into his threat display (raising both wings, one higher than the other and making open mouth hissing sounds). I got behind him with my bear blanket to see if he would flee if I gave him the chance. He just hopped along the ground holding his right wing funny, strange since the caller said he was holding his left wing funny. At this point I know I need my equipment. I head out to the Hollow; get an XL carrier, gloves, sheets, and a net. I head back and now Officer Bill is there as well. They look at me and ask where the cavalry was, I said I’m it. Thank goodness the capture went easy and the unload at the Hollow went well too.
Returned home around 6 ish to overly cooked pasta, gave into eat it anyway since I wasn’t going to make anything else. Relaxed at home for a bit and then got ready to go out to hang with some of my friends. Of course I arrived downtown before they did. So, I felt kinda foolish standing in the bar by myself. Well they show up, now I am hangin out with a few beautiful ladies and thought “God, what did I get myself into tonight.” Well the night went pretty well, loads of laughs, dancing, singing... al the typical good night out things (of course minus the mass quantity of drinks b/c of being on call). At midnight I partook in the midnight champagne… bad idea. I headed home shortly after midnight since I had to work in the morning. I was in bed reading by 12:30 and there was an onset of a headache. Then I remember, champagne and my head do not get along, up I go to get Advil to started taking care of it. My head hurt so bad that my eyes were watering and I couldn’t fall asleep. This morning my head was still hurting this morning…
…In with the new, New Year’s Day:
Head ache, check. More Advil, Check.
Drove to work and started a day that I though would be a little out of the ordinary b/c of knowing we would be doing an eagle exam sometime soon. I did my morning check on my inside animals and went to feed unlock the back door and hear water spraying everywhere, but where was it. I looked out past the seal pools and saw the reserve water tanks with a pipe spurting water. I couldn’t remember where the shut off was located. Luckily Shona walked in the door and knew. I donned on a long rain slicker, dug in the pipe, under about an inch of sludge, under where the water was spurting. I turned the handle, no luck. I walked away, pants soaked from the knees down. Got to the door and thought, wait... lefty loosey, righty tighty… shit I turned it the wrong way. Shona laughed at me and followed me out to relish in my stupidity. Turning it the right direction, past the original location the water fountain stopped. Okay, crisis one diverted. Went inside and wiped my pants down with a towel to remove the excess water from them. Ugh, great now I am soaked.
Finished morning feeds and onto the eagle exam. He was very docile during capture again and didn’t struggle much during exam. He wasn’t too thrilled about me stretching out his left wing though. After the exam I couldn’t seriously find anything wrong with him. I was baffled, off course we had to wait for him to poop to know for sure. Fed him a few pieces of venison. News flash, even if you wearing a glove an eagle beak clamping down on your thumb nail still doesn’t feel good. Set him up in the indoor mew and he just sat there and watched us. No effort to move to a perch nothing. Weird!!! Well later he pooped!! Sad, that got me happy, /sigh, but the color closely resembled that of the mint/avocado green appliances of the 50’s. Not good, means he possibly, I stress possibly, ingested a poison, most likely second hand.
Rest of the day was spent figuring out what things I need to change over with the New Year. New animal Master log for 08 sequence number... gotta make. Updating database, okay. Listing out 2007 animal holdovers, okay. Sorting through 2007 animal records, ½ done. Next, working on USF&W (US Fish and Wildlife) yearly report and WAF&W (WA Fish and Wildlife) report, WA check, ready for the mail... aww US about half way done. I knew, but didn’t quite think about all the yearly changes that I would have to do. I still have to pull all the info together for the year end rehab reporting. Besides all the daily activities, projects, organizing for trips, and calling references for perspective coworker and start making calls about on-site visits. Argh... it never seems to end. All this while Shona is on vacation for the next 2 ½ weeks leaving me being on call 6 out of 7 days. Oh what fun we will have!
Seriously I couldn’t make this stuff up! Now I know that I bored the crap out of you. Wake up and go about your normal lives now.
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