uncensorted

Well there were no bulletins that caught my true interest today.. One that came pretty close, but still not enough to go through the effort. I sit here tonight after reading my friend bruce's blog and pondering where I am and what I am doing.

I know that I have been really vague on here about what is going on in my life, especially since I use to be the one who had to keep everyone updated on what is going on. I guess that is because right now I am in a place that even myself doesn't know what to think. In a few short days, Saturday, I will be moving AGAIN. This time to the smack dab middle of Texas to a little town called Kendalia. I am going to be part of the WRR (Wildlife Rescue and Rehabilitation) as an intern. Why you may ask??? Haha.. to tell you the truth I don't know. I was looking all over for internships and jobs to get myself into the animal field after the Hawaii internship ended. I even increased my search area to include Texas (never really had much interest in going there). A good friend of mine told me that it would be a good idea, "You will like it down there." Tell you the truth, I don't know how much I really believe him.

But again, I have been left with more questions than answers it seems; the time I was given to get down there has lead me into a rat race. Questions arise from others asking if I am excited. I have to tell them not really. I am not this spontaneous of a person at least when it comes to planning out my life. I sit here and in a way I just want to cry because I feel so disorganized.. with my packing... saying goodbyes... becoming attached to people again that I will walk away from again (like the 3rd time I have peaced out on this place)... I have to wonder is this time for good??? What is really leading me to this place I am going.. fate, God, my heart, my head, what????

In his blog my friend Bruce was contemplating things from last year to this with his passing Birthday yesterday.. making me think of the things I swore I would accomplish last year at my birthday to this year, which is just a few days away.. yet I look around, I sit in the same house, have the same job (again for a few more days), and emotionally, relationshipwise, self-esteem/confidence all feel so much weaker. This year seemed to be more a year of stepping back instead of forward. Yes, I know that I had many accomplishments, yet somethings that I hoped to be resolved haven't been. Some strong realizations have been made, but I don't know if I can believe them or trust in my decisions anymore.. One mistake (or heartbreaking thing) is I seem to always find attraction/love the people who don't share it in the same way. I can generally deal with this easily, but it gets harder and harder.. *laughs to self* you think it would easier being single, but sometimes it really isn't. I guess if I had a forward year maybe I would have the self-whatever I needed to be able to handle those run-ins.

I guess all I can do now is be positive that this will be a good year. Good things will happen. I will get to know myself better and what I want to do with myself when I am in Texas. If it is something that I want to persue there or somewhere else, than it will be good. If it isn't, then again I have at least not spent to much time and have gained more experience once again.
So, as I go forth I wish the best of luck, life, God speed, and fortune to you all. My thoughts and prayers are for all you. Please keep me close to your hearts and in your thoughts as well.
~xoxoxoxo~